Wednesday, November 27, 2013

TLS Fics of the Week 11/26-12/2 The Fab Five Are Up!

Awkwardly Yours by Vancouver-Canuck-Girl
High school Edward likes a girl named Bella, But he's not a smooth-talking kind of fella. He has his fair share of inserting foot into mouth, And inappropriate risings down south. But he's really kind of sweet, Even if he's sort of a geek. Rated M

Reviewed by: Fanfic Maplestyle

I first had the esteemed pleasure of reading something by Vancouver Canuck Girl when she was rec’d back in July of 2012 for The Real Life of E.A. Masen. Like the bad reviewer I am when it comes to stories already being posted, I read all sixteen posted chapters before leaving just one little line, where the story was rec’d and how much I loved it so far. That sparked a friendship that has spanned across two one shots and a multi-chapter story that made me laugh, cry, want to slap Edward in the face and sometimes Bella too.

Back in March she approached me while I was doing a re-read of E.A. Masen with a question that would eventually take me on an incredible journey, one I’d never taken before, that of a pre-reader, It was for a story she was working on tentatively called F*ck My Life that centers around an incredibly awkward teenage Edward, who finds himself in all sorts of trouble due to both his awkwardness and his lack of filter.

She put this boy through everything. From his parents thinking he was gay:

My mom grinned. "Aww! You have a crush on Isabella?"

"I do not. She's not my type."

"What is your type – Mike Newton?"

"Yeah, Jazz, Newton's totally my type." I spoke with a lisp to make my point. It's called sarcasm and I'm quite fluent in it.

Sparking a hilarious conversation regarding his love life, with either a man or a woman:

Mom shook her head. "So, do you actually have feelings for Bella?"

"I don't think she's my type."

"What is your type?"

Right then, I should have been honest and told them, hell yes, she's totally my type. Instead I remained tight-lipped, and simply shrugged.

"Your mom and I want you to know that whatever you decide in life, we will support you. If you were perhaps interested in say….men, we'd still love you."

I was completely oblivious to what he was insinuating.

"Great, thanks, I can go now? Wait a sec, did you say … ewww! No! I'm not interested in men!"

My mom patted my hand. "It's okay, Edward, if you are."

"I'm not!"

"We've always known you were … different … from your brother."

"Different? Yeah we're different. We have different fathers! That's not what you're talking about though, is it?"

They both shrugged as I asked.

"I'm no different than Jasper! I like boobs, and porn and all that stuff. When I jerk off— never mind." I scrubbed my hands over my embarrassed face. Even though I'd pretty much just bared my most intimate thoughts, my parents still didn't look convinced.

"Listen, I may not be having sex all the time like Jasper, but I want to, okay? With a girl." I thought it was really important to clarify that point.

This of course gets him in trouble with his brother:

Jasper knocked on my door a while later. As soon as I let him in, he tackled me to the ground.

"Get off me!"

"Eat shit and die, Edward. Why'd you tell Mom and Dad that Alice and I were having sex?"

"Well, you are, aren't you?"

"No, we're not."

I managed to push him off me and stood up. "Yeah, right, you're not having sex. I'm not stupid." I rolled my eyes. "You told me in the car you don't jerk off anymore."

"I have Alice to do it for me, idiot. There's a lot of other fun things to do besides fucking, baby bro. One day, you'll understand." He patted my head all condescending like as he went to leave then stopped in the doorway.

"I'm supposed to ask you – brother to brother – if you're gay. Mom and Dad think you'll tell me honestly."

"Are you kidding me? No! Hell no! I'm not gay! I don't like dick. I like Bella, okay? I've jerked off to pictures of her in my head the last three nights."

Jasper held his hand up. "Need to know basis. God, that's disgusting. Do you not have a filter?"

The answer to that question is no, Jasper, he does not have a filter!

Vancouver Canuck Girl certainly puts this Edward through the wringer as you can tell from the above examples, and those are only in the first chapter of the story. She also has him caught masturbating by his mother, buying tampons for his sister by his crush, really awkward sex talks with his father and probably the funniest virginity loosing scenes I have ever read, all the while telling a really sweet love story at the same time. One that proves that you only have to be yourself and there is someone out there that loves you for you.

Each chapter is wrapped up by a poem that Edward writes in his journal about his day:

Tonight I got caught jerking off 

All because I didn't hear my mother knock.

So put away your beverages to save your computers and have a laugh at one of the most awkward and adorable Edward’s I have ever read in Awkwardly Yours. Vancouver Canuck Girl can bring the funny like nobody’s business and as much as I am honoured to know her as a writer, I am more honoured to be able to call her a friend.

Calendar Guys by Popsicle99
Photographer Bella is heartbroken after her break up from Mike, but her best friend Rosalie has a plan to cheer her up - shooting a sexy calendar for Eclipse magazine. Lots of lemony fun! Rated M

Hold Me Down by Periwrites
Not me. That's who this girl is. She is not me. And for the first time, Edward wants someone who is not me. The tequila sits at the bottom of my stomach and begins to grow tentacles. I am tequila brave. Rated M

Felt by LayAtHomeMom
Former lovers lay it all out on the table. Taking shots never hurt this good. Entry for the Dirty Talkin' Edward Twific Contest. Rated M

Rest My Soul by MrsSpaceCowboy
On opposite corners of Third Street and Beale, two lonely people fight to stay that way. Her scars are on the surface, soft on her skin and in her eyes. His run bone-deep, seeped in bourbon and blues. EPOV. Rated M

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