Friday, May 13, 2011

Fics of the Week May 10 - 16: The Fantastic Four Reviews

Died and Gone to Heaven by DoUTrustMe
Accidents happen. Sometimes you die and meet God. Sometimes you live and meet SexGod. B&E. AH. AU.

Review by Alice S Sweettits
WARNING!!! The risk of dying from laughter while reading Died and Gone to Heaven is quite high!! Do not read if you have a high aversion or are allergic to laughter! You may also want to use caution when reading in a public place, the likelihood of having the men in white coats sent after if you choose to do so is also a risk! CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!

Died and Gone to Heaven by the lovely and highly talented DoUTrustMe begins with Bella finding herself awakening in a hospital room with a God-like doctor attending to her. She has been in a car accident and lost her memory, confused and with no remembrance of who she is or how she got there she comes to the conclusion that the doctor must be God and she has died and gone to heaven.

"God, is that you?"

"If you want to call me that." Velvet Voice was back and levitating somewhere near my head.

I pried opened both eyes and saw sparkling green eyes in the face of an angel. Apparently, I had died and gone to heaven.

After several flirty encounters full of witty banter it is discovered that “God” or Dr. Edward Cullen is not only her doctor but also her husband.

"I'll bet all your patients want to have sex with you."

"No, the geriatric men don't usually want to. Although there was this one ..."

"Do you have sex with all your patients?"

"It depends."

"On what?"

"If I'm married to them."

"How many of your patients are you married to?"

"Just the one."

"Which one?"

"The one I'm going to have sex with."

"We're married?"

"So we are."

"So, I get to have sex with you whenever I want?"

"Unless I'm in the middle of a hospital board meeting. That might be a little awkward."

Released from the hospital Bella returns home and her attempts to remember her life and the attempts at seduction of her husband are filled with hilarity.

 “God”  “Doctor-Sex-God” Sex-Ed” are just a few of the countless nicknames Bella has for Edward. These constantly changing nicknames only enhance the abundance of humor within the story.

"What do I call you?" I asked.

He put his book down.


"Besides Doctor SexGod? Edward. Eddie. Ed. Teddy. Ted. The Cullenator? What do I usually call you?"

"It depends on the circumstance."


"If you're upset or serious you call me Edward. If you're happy and flirting you call me Edster. Then there's the Edmeister, the Ed man, Edless Horseman, Big Ed, Mr. Ed, Doctor Ed, Doctor Edper, Doctor Love ... "

"Okay, I get it. I have a lot of names for you."

"And then in the heat of passion you call me Edward-ooooh."


"No. Oh, Edward, oh, oh, Edward oh, Edward oh. Edward-ooooh," he demonstrated in a breathy voice.

I clamped my thighs together.

"Ooooh," I responded cleverly.

"Kind of like you just did there only breathier and louder and with Edward in front," he explained politely and went back to his book.

"Just those two words? Oh, Edward, oh, oh, Edward oh, Edward oh. Edward-oooh. But not, Oh, Edward, oh, oh, harder baby, faster, deeper, oh, you're a sex machine! Oh, oh," I said in a loud breathy voice.

I'm pretty sure Doc Sex clamped his thighs together. He put his book down.

"Sometimes. Only not the part about the sex machine, although you should think about throwing that in there now and then. And you yell the names of bands."


"Oh, Edward, oh, oh, harder baby, faster, deeper, oh. Hootie and the Blooooowfiiiiiiiish," he demonstrated.

Bella keeps a list of all of her favorite physical qualities of Edward and is constantly adding to it. The list begins the moment she awoke from unconsciousness in the hospital and only grows from there.

I watched Sex put noodles into his mouth. His lips, teeth and tongue worked together in perfect harmony. I watched his jaw as he chewed.

I watched Sex put noodles into his mouth. His lips, teeth and tongue worked together in perfect harmony. I watched his jaw as he chewed.

Had I added his jaw to the list? I frantically sorted the list alphabetically in ascending order and looked under the J’s.

Nope. I'd missed the jaw. How could I have missed the jaw? My list was in serious jeopardy of being incomplete. I needed to rectify that.

I put his jaw at the top of my list in bold, uppercase and italics. Not the separate, second list with The Item as the only entry, because The Item most certainly deserved its own list, but the first list, which was so long now that I was pretty sure I'd have to put it in a spreadsheet. So I could sort it faster when I needed to look something up.

He looked over at the Christmas tree in the living room as he chewed.

His jaw moved. The earth moved. I was pretty sure his jaw had just spawned my first orgasm in days. I considered yelling out 'Kings of Leeeeeeoooooon' in a breathy voice, but clenched my thighs together instead. Maybe he hadn't been kidding about the band thing after all. Or maybe it was just the power of suggestion.

I added three asterisks after the word jaw at the top of the list.

 This Bella is as quirky as they come, and her unconventional behavior and thought process endear you to her. One example being it is Christmastime and while Edward is at work she does a little bit of snooping with the gifts under the tree and forgets to re-wrap and put one back afterwards. Edward notices the missing gift and questions her about it; she of course has a highly creative explanation for the missing package.

"Is something missing from under the tree?" he asked.

Damn. I'd forgotten to do the re-wrapping. I was too busy snooping. I couldn't put much past him.

"Robbers broke into our house while I was resting," I explained, trying to put something past him.

"Huh! You'd think they would have gone for the electronics," Sex said, perplexed.

"They were robbers from the eighteenth century. They didn't know how to use electronics," I explained in greater detail.

"Really? Time travelers then? Robber time travelers from the eighteenth century? We don't get many of those in Forks." He shook his head in amazement as he took another bite of noodles.

His jaw moved again. The earth moved again. I was going to have to yell out the name of a band. I couldn't hold it in. "Bare Naked Laaaaaaadies," I said in a loud, breathy voice.

Sex looked at me curiously with his green kitchen eyes. I liked his green bedroom eyes better.

"The robbers were bare naked ladies?" he asked.

"Why yes, bare naked time travelling lady robbers from the eighteenth century," I explained in too much detail.

He shook his head again. "I'll have to put a better lock on the door. You're the only naked lady I want in the house."

The humorous and witty banter keeps up through the entire story and Died and Gone to Heaven will keep you in stitches from the very beginning to the very end I guarantee it!

Isla de Cullen by CarNo
18 year old Bella and 37 year old Edward come from both the same world and two different worlds. She's invited to Isla de Cullen thanks to Alice. Their stay is only for two weeks. Will it be enough? Smutty fic. No heavy angst. EPOV & BPOV. ExB PAIRING!

Review by Nita Skarr

With Isla de Cullen, Carano sends us on a two week holiday retreat on the private island of Edward Cullen. Eighteen year old Bella is invited along by her best friend, Alice, who's parents are long time friends of Edward's.

We learn quickly, that despite the two girls sharing very similar outward behaviors, in the author's words they're “well mannered and sweet, smart and well read “, Bella has a well hidden secret side.

This story has quite a bit of suspense propelling it, as we find out that Bella isn't the only person with secrets. The characters are intricately interwoven, and it's hard to tell, at the latest chapter update, whether the exposure of one secret will stay contained or cause a chain reaction that will have people going down like dominoes.

Once Bella meets Edward, their attraction is instantaneous. We get to see that sweet, quiet Bella is no shrinking violet, and is very self aware. Her direction in life is set, chosen by her.

When we meet Edward, it's clear that he's secure, decisive and determined. He's 37, and a successful business owner. He get's what he wants, and of course, he wants Bella.

My favorite thing about this Edward? He's unapologetic. He's a dirty, dominating, controlling and mouthy sexual being, and he owns it. He's not damaged, and he's not about accessories. What is he about then?

Straight up, hard, fucking. He's not gentle, and he is not patient.

We all read a lot of stories. We all start reading fics where we know there's going to be mad sex going on, but we just need to wait a few chapters for the story to lay out. Mr. Cullen, aptly named Takeward, is having none of that shit.

Here we are in chapter three, a few minutes after he delivers an intoxicating first kiss to our little Bella, no more than 24 hours after they met.

"Touch my cock, sweet girl," I murmured, propping myself up on my elbows. "Just use your fingers and mouth as you choose, and feel no pressure, love. Do what you feel comfortable doing."
I groaned as her wide eyes were fixed on my rather big cock, and I could practically see her wondering how that will ever fit in her.
Oh, it'll fit. I'll make sure of it.

Okay, so he's more than a little determined about where this will go right now, but he's letting her lead, right, supportive even? Let's join our couple again, oh, about five minutes later.

Stilling her movements, I lavished her neck with openmouthed kisses as I revealed more of myself. "I want you to suck my cock now, and then I'll make you scream my name when I eat your pretty little pussy."
"Okay," she gasped, scrambling back to kneeling between my legs, but I stopped her.
"Sit on the edge of the bed instead," I told her, getting out of bed as she obeyed, and once I was standing in front of her, I put one leg up on the bed as I threaded my fingers through her silky hair. "I'll go slow, little girl, I promise. Do you trust me?"
"Yes, sir," she panted. "Please…"
"Please what?" I teased, grabbing my erection to hold it in front of her mouth.
"I… I want to make you feel good. Please," and again she whimpered.
"You will, baby," I said. "Now, open your mouth for me and breathe through your nose."

You see where this is going? No. He won't be holding back. He will take, and he'll talk. Oh his ever running, dirty mouth.

"Is my little girl desperate?"
"Watch me, Isabella," I told her quietly as she squeezed her eyes shut. "Watch me fuck you with my tongue."
and oh my heck this
"I need that little mouth of yours again, baby girl," he said huskily as his eyes roamed over my body. "And I need to prepare your sweet pussy for me because I won't wait long," he continued, stroking his cock outside the boxers. "In fact, I'm pretty sure I will take you tomorrow ..."
I whimpered, feeling my body heat up.
My pussy throbbed.
"Do you want that, sweet girl? Do you want me to fuck your pretty little pussy tomorrow?"
I gasped, flushed scarlet… and moaned. "Yes. Please, sir."
"Good. Now get over here. I want you on all fours."

Isla de Cullen is fast moving. The plot, and yes, there's plenty of plot, will keep you guessing as to what comes next. The characters are interesting, certainly not a cliché at every turn. Many of them have their own obstacles to overcome. Their journeys interlace with the main story well, and will hold your attention without detracting from Edward and Bella time. All of this, plus a fresh and fuckhot take on the dominant/submissive relationship, makes for the kind of story that'll have you waiting on updates, and rushing to read once they've hit your box.

Major Misconduct by M7707
Edward Cullen - hot high school hockey player. Bella Swan - shy high school student. They've admired each other from afar, so what happens when they finally meet? Will they be strong enough to handle a threat from his past? No good deed goes unpunished...

Review by LaMomo

When I first started reading fanfics, right after I'd stumbled across the hall of fame (The Office, Wide Awake and The Submissive/Dominant), I stumbled across a whole slew of high school fics.
So many that they sated my craving for Breakfast-Club-mock-ups, and steered very clear of the genre for a long, long while.
Late last year, while I was diving headlong into the rich foray of SportsWard fics, and I was going through a withdrawal from HockeyWard, I stumbled (again, what can I say? You read about clumsy Bella for a considerable chunk of your time, you are bound to acquire some undesirable traits, right???) across this story.

What struck me? What stayed with me, after I'd completed reading (because yes, to those of you who shirk away from WIPs, this is COMPLETE...):
- Hot HockeyWard? Check.
- Shy, bookish Bella but adorably prone to word vomit, and constant bouts of snarkiness? Check.
- Usual suspects all accounted for? Check.
- The bad guys are bad guys and the good guys are good guys? Check.
- Good writing? Check.
- Clever and funny use of canon quotes and details? Check.

Aside from this, it is truly heartwarming to watch these two as they tiptoe around each other. Edward is the school's jock, Bella is shy and bookish - what are his motives in actually giving her the time of day? This is what she thinks when he first strikes up conversation with her. She's been watching him like a hawk for years, and has harboured a secret crush for him for years, so it's only natural to want to pinch her sides and check whether she's awake or suddenly trapped into an alternate reality.
And Edward thinks she gives mixed signals, and can't read her actions and words to save his life (whenever can Edward have a clue as to what Bella thinks or does???), because he is convinced she thinks he's just a mindless jock.
It takes a while to overcome your prejudices - and that's what they do. They talk this over, one word vomit at a time, one awkward move at a time, one cockblock at a time.
This is a very clever mix of seriosly fun times, of tooth-achingly sweet scenes (because this Edward is such an adorable guy), of pure hotness, and of some well-crafted conflict towards the end of the story.
Yes, because this isn't all fluff....they will be stumbling blocks and screw-ups...So be warned.
But go and read, because if you're not, you're seriously missing out.

Pros and Cons by SydneyAlice
As world famous con artists, Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are professional rivals. Sparks fly when they are forced to join forces, but are the stakes too high? Can they escape with their lives – and their hearts?

Review by Agrutle

Bella Swan, con artist, and Edward Cullen her rival, both have partners who just happen to be dating. Each set of cons are well know and also are wanted by someone, somewhere. Edward and Bella have a pull, an attraction that she won’t admit to or act on.

"Like what you see?" Cullen smirked sexily at me.
Nope. Not even then.
"You're an ass."
"Someday, you're going to stop fighting this attraction between us," he chuckled. "I'm really looking forward to that."
"There is no attraction," I muttered stubbornly as I folded my arms across my chest and stared blankly at the window. Truthfully? There was something there. Even Alice had noticed it, but I preferred to dismiss it as intense hatred because admitting that I was attracted to my biggest rival would be absolutely mortifying.

After Cullen tricks Swan in to leaving Vegas, they go their separate ways. Edward and Jasper run a difficult con in L.A. and  decide its time to take a vacation. When Edward drops off Jasper in Georgia he picks up Swan and they head to Washington, him to see his parents and her to see Charlie. After one day with their respective parents they are both itching to get away from them and after a lengthy back and forth, and the realization that Jasper and Alice would be pissed if they cut the vacation short, it’s decided they will go somewhere together. They end up in Edward’s secret spot. Not too long after they get there a phone call is received and its a job but not just for one pair for all four of them, and its Aro who wants them all for a jewelry heist.

Everything runs smoothly for this job. Bella and Alice are in, out and back to the boys without any problems and it worries Bella. It seemed to easy, to easy. Then the bottom falls out and Bella can’t figure out what went wrong. Her and Edward need each other now more than ever.

I hastily pull the door and rush down the stairwell. I open the door to the fourth floor, pushing my way through the heavy smoke. Another explosion makes the building quake, and this one causes the tiled floor to detonate. My feet fly out from under me, and I feel the pain in my head just as my vision goes dark.

Pros and Cons keeps you on your toes, and keeps you guessing. You have to read to see just exactly what is going on. It is a must read!!


  1. Always love your recs--guaranteed to be nice and lemony! Here's hoping you stick around for a long, long time, cuz, you know, you can never get enough lemonade!

  2. It seems like the link to Died and Gone to Heaven has been taken down. Does anyone know if it was posted elsewhere? It seems like a really awesome read.